'in the field' by rachel pastan lines

[hyojungss]

the thing is that i wouldn't write if there was enough writing out there for me to read that i resonated with. this + diminished attention span + less free time means i really am looking for what i want and won't struggle through something that won't give that.

in the field is - i wouldn't call it a 5/5 necessarily but it's very specific in the way it hits pain points. i started it thinking that it was a bit wordy and not interesting, then i sped read forward and thought it was depressing, then i skipped ahead and started to understand what was happening. it's like, some things are sucky to read but they're supposed to be like that and it becomes gratifying later or whatever. this book is about a woman working in scientific research - a field dominated by men, constantly in working environments that were dominated by men both in the numerical sense and the hierarchical sense - also fighting for scientific ethics but never taken seriously because of her gender - also navigating her sexuality.

i've never done research and am not that kind of scientist but relate too much to the man's world working environment and what that does to you - it makes me insane that you end up - stratifying men, or sorting them by how much respect they have for you. there's actually a lot to read into here because it's like, am i attracted to this man because i want him, or because he's manipulative and has the confidence to get his way by taking advantage of your lack of surety? do i like this man because he is nice or because he's not as terrible as all the others?

anyway all that to say i became really obsessed with the kate/thatch "relationship" and if not for it this book would have made me too sad and mad to read. this is unfortunately/fortunately because it reminds me very much of a r/s that i have, down to the 'asking for advice knowing the answer you get will be objectively sound but also ignore the nuance in that this situation is happening to a woman and is inherently more complicated than the simple answer makes it sound' @____@. kate is emotional and passionate and knows what she thinks is right, but can't be levelheaded about addressing the problem T____T

"You wouldn't have to feel you owed me anything. I mean, there wouldn't be strings or..." His face, which had returned to almost its normal color, flushed again. (80)

"Good!" Thatch said. "I mean, it's good he changed his mind."
Kate thought he sounded disappointed. Perhaps he had hoped there might be strings after all. But then he smiled— such a warm and generous smile that it almost made him handsome. (81)

On first meeting them, people tended to take Kate and Thatch for a couple, but their relationship, whatever it was, wasn't that. Still, there was no one better than Thatch to toss an idea around with, or to share a pot of coffee or a bottle of whiskey. (86)

it's very hard to distill this because by nature of the writing i love the meaning is spread out in dialogue and action but it's like thatch knows kate from 5 years of studying with her and she knows he's disapproving of how she's trying to approach things without him even saying anything. but at the same time you can read in his word choice that even though kate is right she's still going to be the wrong one if she stands up for herself instead of sucking it up and trying to win them over the slow way. because the easy way has worked for him!!!

"Well, people have tried," Kate said. "It just needs a few adjustments. I'm fairly sure I can do it."
"Even though nobody else has been able to." Thatch laughed. But he was listening. (89)

"So you got Cole to agree?" Thatch asked.
For a moment Kate had forgotten all about Thatch. But there he was, watching her steadily. She knew he knew she hadn't asked Cole. (109)

"That's not right," he said at last.
Kate raised her palms in a quick, sharp gesture. "You mean it's wrong," she said.
He nodded slowly. "It's wrong." (113)

"You can't win this fight," Thatch said.
"How do I know if I can or not if I don't try?"
"Kate," Thatch said, more gently now. "You're a marvelous scientist. That's what matters. If you go snitching to Whitaker—"
"Snitching!"
"That's not the right word," Thatch said. "That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean, then?"
Thatch took a moment, getting his thoughts in order. She could see him calculating which arguments would have the best chance.
"Do you think Whitaker will believe you?"
She just stared at him. (114)

"I feel I owe you something by way of apology," Thatch said. "Why don't I make you dinner this weekend?"
"For goodness' sake, Thatch," Kate said. "I've said it's all right."
"A congratulations dinner, then. I'd like to." "All right. If you really want to. We can invite Paul, too."
There was a silence. Thatch spat the clover stem out. "The more the merrier," he said. (147)

the thing really is that thatch apologizes when he makes mistakes - disrespects kate's autonomy by trying to solve her problems for her - and i really think that is emblematic of the best kind of respect for a peer. anyway the way that this love triangle is very obvious and then it timeskips to thatch getting married to some girl he got engaged to 4 months after they met!!!!!!!!!! and she finds it hard to relate to that girl

"Thank you for talking about this with me," she said. "John respects you and values your friendship so much. I just want him to be happy." That was how she talked: with complete, straightforward sincerity. Well— if that was what Thatch wanted! (158)

also it's very much like, thatch is her friend but she also resents the fact that he gets opportunities she doesn't and in fact deserves more than him...

"Cynthia sends her love," Thatch said. "She would have liked to come and see you, but she's feeling under the weather."
Then she did remember: the floods. "My field," she said.
"Hush," Thatch said.
"I need you to go check." (177)

"I was sorry to hear about the honeymoon," she said. "The flooding, I mean."
"And I was sorry to hear about your plants." Cynthia's big eyes were full of pity, which was unbearable. "John has told me how they're everything to you."
Were, Kate thought. So Thatch talked about her with Cynthia. Well, why wouldn't he? They were married, after all. (185)

Cynthia's gaze seemed to pin Kate in place on the pillows. "I had to tell somebody," she said. "He cares about you more than anybody. So in a way, that makes us almost like sisters."
Kate did her best to smile. (186)

& that as she later admits to herself, she couldn't relate to cynthia and didn't like cynthia's presence in thatch's life T___T

"I keep thinking about the field," she said. "The way it looked in all that rain." Darkness, the drowned plants tugged by the current, their roots clinging hopelessly to the dissolving ground.
"There are still a few plants left."
She looked at him furiously. "And what good does that do me? I can't tend to them! I can't shoot-bag them! They're useless."
"You'll replant," Thatch said. "In the spring. Everyone will be replanting."
"Not you," Kate said, more sharply than she'd intended. "You're moving on."
"I lost a year's data, too," he said.
She took a breath, trying to hold back her anger as she had tried to keep the water back in the doomed field. (196)

She blinked at him as he tapped the ashes out. "What did Thatch do?"
"He bagged the plants for you before he left."
Kate could not believe it. "He would have told me if he'd done that."
"He meant to go see you, but at the last minute— Well. He asked me to let you know. The point is, you can fertilize them if you do it soon. If the plants that survived give you any crosses worth making."
Kate stared at Whitaker, who was refilling his pipe rather clumsily. "He bagged them?" she repeated.
"There weren't many," Whitaker said. "It couldn't have taken him long." (206)

like just how meaningful it is - when you have pneumonia and are completely powerless - to have one friend who would do this for you - it's not difficult - but it's still true that no one else in the world understands what it means to you and simultaneously cares enough about you to do all they can to help you

then - to reunite later and not be understood in the way you long for by someone you have known for ages - and to retaliate

"But," he went on—and now his voice was different. Halting. "There's more to life than just... science. I hope you get out of the lab once in a while, Kate. I do. I hope you meet people. Other kinds of people."
Her heart began to thud faster. "I see the Sonnenfelds," she said. "I spend time with them. With Sarah." She pronounced the name carefully, offering it up to him.
Thatch looked at her sadly. "Spending time with a widower and a spinster is hardly going to help your prospects." He could not have spoken more gently.
Kate counted to ten before she let herself speak, but it didn't make any difference. "Because your marriage has brought you so much joy," she said, then watched her words turn his face to lead. (260)

anyw years later they have a bit of an anne of the island typhoid fever moment except instead of it being anne realizing she loved gil all along it's - not, but it's still how cynthia dying rocks kate and makes her drop everything to go make sure thatch is okay T___T after it had been a long time since they had been in touch

"Oh, I was so angry! And you were so kind to me."
Thatch pulled a paper napkin from the dispenser and began to rip it into pieces.
"You were always so kind to me," Kate said. "To me, and to everybody."
"That's not what I remember." He concentrated on the shreds.
"My memory was always better than yours." She smiled, but he wasn't looking. (319)

"You couldn't make her want to keep living," Kate said. "Nobody could."
"You don't know that," Thatch said.
Kate reached across the table and laid her hand on his. "I know you, John Thatcher," she said. (320)

"I used to think you were stubborn and shortsighted," he said. "That you'd regret ending up alone. But now I think you were just being practical. That you were smart."
Slowly she turned to face him. "I lived with someone for a time. It was like a marriage." (327)

"And since then?" When she didn't answer, he said softly, "Ithaca was a long time ago." (328)

i was so glad they didn't end up together but were still faithfully friends T_____T and that it was his support that led her to pursue a long term relationship with someone for the first time in so long. it's not that i expressly didn't want them to 'be together' but that depending on how it was handled it could have completely missed the point